Voter fatigue produces candid candidates
Imagine if politicians spoke the truth
The presidential campaign season has begun.
We are in for months of platitudes, posturing and cliches. Weeks upon endless weeks of people saying something and absolutely nothing at the same time.
But this time might be different. There are two candidates who are going off-script, each in their own way. Donald Trump is sending shockwaves through the Republican ranks by blurting crazy things at everyone about everything. On the Dem side, Bernie Sanders is altering the conversation with the candor of a drunk uncle and making Hillary worry about her coronation.
Trump and Sanders are refreshing. They are not the same canned, packaged candidates we see every election cycle. Their popularity is a manifestation of America’s fatigue over plastic politics.
It makes you wonder: Will the other candidates find this new tactic liberating? Will the politicians endlessly wandering Iowa finally toss their talking points and speak like real human beings? Might they actually speak the truth?
“Why did you ask me that question? I have no idea how to answer it. Now I’m going to have to make some crap up while my brow sweats and everyone knows that I’m having a panic attack. Why the hell am I even doing this? “
“If I have to eat one more ear of this stuff I am going to puke all over the Corn Queen of Mason City.”
“Look. My opponent is a fraud. Not in the criminal sense, although he would be proven a felon if investigated. No, my opponent is an intellectual fraud. Here. Let me put a finer point on it for you. My opponent is dumb. Thick as spring mud. He is a suit, a haircut and a smile. And nothing more. Is that clear enough for you?”
“Trump? You want my opinion? Sure. He is wealthy, and he is an ass. And everyone knows he’s an ass. He’s a billionaire ass. Next question.”
“Sure, Chris Christie is fat. So what? So is America. All of Iowa is fat. Look. Oprah is fat. Amy Schumer is a little plump. And they’re popular as hell. I’d concentrate less on Christie’s waistline and more on his politics. Plus, he’s been dead in the water since he tried to hug Jerry Jones. Man, that was ugly.”
“I have no idea how we are going to pay for this program, but you can never go wrong by saying that we are going to make the rich pay. But that’s complete B.S. Finding the money is going to be incredibly complicated and Congress won’t let it happen. And don’t kid yourself, it will never come out of the defense budget. Those guys are untouchable. But what the hell, it’s what people want to hear. I mean, do you really think I am going to stand here and say that poor people and the middle class are going to pay for it? How stupid do I look?”
“Here’s your baby back, lady. His diaper is completely full. How much did Trump pay you to hand him to me like that? God, Trump is an ass.”
“I gotta be honest, Hillary creeps me out. Every time I see her, I wonder what her husband is doing. The whole thing creeps me out. Doesn’t it creep you out? Next question.”
“Look. Bernie’s smart. Honest. Good talker. But he’s a declared socialist. A Socialist! We want him to win the Democratic nomination. We are going to go so Joe McCarthy on his butt, by the time we’re done with him, you guys will think he’s Joe Stalin.”
“I’ll tell you something about my esteemed opponent. He smells funny. Ask anyone on his staff. It’s patchouli oil or he sleeps on a horse blanket or something. Go ahead. Sniff him. Just sayin’. “
“A wall between the U.S. and Canada? Oh my God! Are you kidding me? I would have paid him to say that! Trump probably did.”
“Yup. I am owned lock, stock and barrel by the NRA. Huh. That’s a pun. Look, I don’t believe any of the crap they say and neither do they. It’s amazing that they’re a force in our society. It’s depressing if I think about it. They’re criminals and it sickens me to take their money. But, hey, I’m a whore.”
“Yup. I slept with that woman.”
“Jeb is boring. Nice guy, but boring. You know it. He knows it. Hell, his name is ‘Jeb.’ How boring is that? Worst name since ‘Newt.'”
“The truth? I was a dork in high school and college. I am running for the presidency of the United States to get the chicks I never got. It’s pathetic when you think about it. Plus, I’m utterly delusional.”
“That is the worst bathroom I have ever used in my life. And I was in the service. What is wrong with you people?”
“The capital of Sierra Leone? You’re kidding me, right? Half the people in Sierra Leone don’t know the answer to that question and most Americans think it’s a shortstop for the Mets. Did Trump pay you to ask me that question? He’s an ass.”