Roach on political race: How weird can it get?

John Roach has an interesting pick for our next...
Roach on political race: How weird can it get?
Roach on political race: How weird can it get?

How weird can it get?

As part of the strangest presidential election in memory, both American political parties recently brought their respective circuses to our state, leaving this citizen with one clear impression: There is not one candidate of either party who warrants my vote.

Not Donald Trump, a self-absorbed, unmanly rich kid who has somehow created a bond with poor, angry, white people who could never afford to stay in one of his hotels. Yet Trump has managed to delight Dems. Why? Because his coarse candidacy has thrown the Republican Party into complete disarray.

Interestingly, Trump, the kid you would have most enjoyed knocking on his ass in high school, has risen to dominance using the very rhetoric of fear that rad Republican mouthpieces Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck have been using for two decades. The Republicans finally met their Frankenstein and it has frightened them to such a point that Ted Cruz actually looks presidential to them.

John Kasich, a wonderful and sane fellow, is still in the race even though he has the charisma of someone who just dropped off your loaner car.

On the Dem side, Hillary Clinton is in a horse race with an aging but able opponent, a contest that gives voters the interesting chance for either our first female or first socialist president.

Hillary runs with more baggage than any candidate in recent memory. The controversies, legit or not, linked to the Clinton name seem endless. Whitewater, bimbo eruptions, Lewinsky, the Libyan Embassy, email security and speaking fees to special interest high rollers totaling $9.6 million in 2013 alone. A third of Hillary’s appearance paychecks came from the very Wall Street companies that crashed the global economy while dodging jail time. Not good. Further, in an election with voters longing for disruptive change, Clinton, along with the Bushes and the Kennedys, represents the families that have comprised America’s trailer park monarchies over the last half century. Hard to be a force for change when you’re the thing that needs changing.

As for Bernie, who doesn’t like him? He is a rebel and the best orator of either party. The grassroots energy and integrity of his campaign is wonderfully American. With that being said, something in the back of your mind makes you wonder about his math skills. Just how can we realistically expect to pass and pay for legislation that provides for free health care, free college education and lots of other free programs without a crippling tax hike? Bernie seems too good to be true, although he could be not only our nation’s first Jewish president, but also our first Jewish Santa Claus.

All of this bedlam leads to an interesting barroom question: If you had the power to wave your hand and make anyone president, who would it be?

Let me offer some thinking and a suggestion.

First, let’s review criteria. Our next president has to be smart, energetic and articulate, with an ability to touch people while commanding respect.

And this person needs money. Lots and lots of money.

Which is why I hereby name Bill Gates as our next vice president of the United States. Gates comes from our best and brightest out on the Computer Coast. He is worth $79 billion, so the sleazy aspect of campaign finances would be rendered moot by self-funding. Lest he be perceived as a robber baron, Gates has also created one of the most effective, smart, charitable foundations in history, a foundation to which he has already donated $28 billion. Although too rich to be president, Gates would be a wise, thoughtful vice president who could get any world leader on the phone at any time because if they don’t take his call he would simply buy their country.

As for president, I nominate someone who is witty and fearless.

A person with a knack for brutal honesty, one who can think on her feet.
Someone who is a woman because it’s about damn time we had a woman president.

Plus, she’s perfect for the job because she knows exactly the type of person who shouldn’t be president because she played one on television.

America, let me present to you the next President of the United States, Ms. Tina Fey!

Also, Steph Curry was busy.