Roach: I want to be bored silly
After much thinking, musing and pondering, I have come to the realization that I want just one thing from our next commander in chief: I want to be bored.
Well, it’s nearly time to vote. And there’s no better time to decide what I want from our next president over the next four years.
After much thinking, musing and pondering, I have come to the realization that I want just one thing from our next commander in chief: I want to be bored. Bored senseless and silly.
In fact, it wouldn’t bother me to never think about our next president for a full year after he is inaugurated.
Because I am tired.
Tired of wacky conspiracies and insults.
Tired of the Proud Boys and federal troops.
Tired of porn stars and indictments.
Tired of bluster and self-adulation.
In short, I have had it up to here with drama and noise and cheesy old dudes who sell weird pillows having a place in our national conversation. There has been far too much of that over the last four years. I am so exhausted I can hardly lift my head.
You know what I want? I want a president who doesn’t use social media. Not once. I am tired to death of the constant Twitter stream of anger, ignorance and incivility. Hell, I’m tired of me arguing on Facebook.
For the next four years I would like to be in a happy stupor.
No pandemics and fake miracle cures.
No denial of obvious truth.
No ripping on people with disabilities or prisoners of war.
No children put in cages.
No weird obsessions with women and blood.
I want things to be so boring that Facebook becomes a place where people only post recipes for the next four years.
I’d like a president who doesn’t have his family running our country, like some trailer park monarchy. I didn’t think it was a good idea for Robert Kennedy to serve as his brother’s Attorney General or for then First Lady Hillary Clinton to work actively on policy in her husband’s administration, and I don’t think it’s a good idea now.
I’d also like a president who knows when to shut up and leave us alone. I want a president who works quietly and diligently for us without banging his own drum every three minutes.
I want a leader of the free world who will allow me to enjoy a good book or a movie without worrying that everything is going to hell, thus leaving me feeling besieged with guilt for enjoying a good book or a movie while everything is going to hell.
I want a president who is like a good umpire or referee: so competent you don’t even notice them during the game. A president who is not needy but simply silently competent.
I’d also like a president who rigidly observes the truth when speaking to us. This is a difficult order for any politician because lying, or at least artful obfuscation, comes with the job. But the next president has to know that right now in America, truth is an endangered species. It would be a wonderful thing to have a president who brings back the truth in the same way Justin Timberlake brought back sexy.
I also want a president who understands how government works and hires people who understand the same. Running the most powerful office in the world is no time for what my late dad would call “amateur night in Dixie.”
I want to go to sleep knowing that the right stuff is getting done with minimal hysterics. Low drama and high productivity is what I want from the next guy.
And I’d like a nice president. Nice is a good word because nice is boring. There is enough awful stuff going on in the world without the president of the most powerful nation in history creating more problems. I’d prefer a president who solves problems rather than creates problems. Imagine that.
And I want the next president to be nice to his opponents and work with them across the aisle, because as any wily politician will tell you, the work of democracy gets done in the middle.
In closing, I’ll paraphrase Bruce Springsteen by saying I want a president who will allow us to be Bored in the USA. Because I think what America needs right now is a good nap.
John Roach, a Madison-based television producer, writes this column monthly. Reach him at email@example.com.