After losing her non-binary child to suicide, a Verona mother is trying to help prevent further tragedies. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues or considering suicide, there are resources available to help. Calling 988 nationwide will connect you to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Dane County, Journey Mental Health Center has a 24/7 suicide prevention hotline at 608-280-2600.
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VERONA, Wis. – Nudged awake in the middle of the night by her child in tears carrying a note, it was then Dia Caulkins’ life changed completely. Still half-awake on that November night she heard two things from her 14-year-old: an apology and a confession.
“They said, 'Mom, I’m sorry,' and I woke up and I was like, 'Oh, did you have bad dream?' and I said, 'Come sit on the bed, tell me about it,' and they said, 'No, I’m sorry,'” Caulkins recalled. “I was trying to wake up and collect my thoughts and I was like, 'Sorry for what?' and they handed me the note and they said, 'I took some pills.'”
Graciella-Sawyer Caulkins-Feltz admitted to swallowing an entire botte of what Caulkins later learned was medication prescribed for her own heart condition, beta blockers that ultimately led to Graciella-Sawyer’s death.
Their mother believes it was people’s harsh words about the young teen's struggle with gender identity and acceptance that pushed them to take their own life.
"They didn’t understand how our entire world would implode, how it would be left with these holes. This enormous hole that will never be filled,” Caulkins said. “You don’t sleep, you don’t because your brain tells you they’re gone and your heart says just keep hoping.”
Caulkins wants people to take note of Graciella-Sawyer’s story before another light like theirs is extinguished as she remembers her teen’s vision for a better world cut short. She said when a young Graciella-Sawyer was asked what they would be if they could be any inanimate object, what they chose was beyond their years: the scales of justice.
“They didn’t understand why there were kids who didn’t have a home to live in or food to eat or access to an education,” she explained. “They hate mistreatment of people for any reason and they would stick up for anybody who needed help. They didn’t need to know them.”
For Caulkins, her child’s commitment to making the world a better place was inspiring, but it also gave her reason to worry. Overwhelmed by what they couldn’t control, Caulkins said Graciella-Sawyer would sometimes have panic attacks.
She said, not understanding that no one person can take it all on, Graciella-Sawyer wanted to do everything to protect others, but it was they who were in need of protection.
“Those comments that that people made, telling them that they were ugly… those words stick with somebody,” she said. “They thought they were disgusting and I would tell them that they weren’t disgusting. [I] would tell them that they were beautiful and amazing.”
Caulkins said as much as Graciella-Sawyer fought for injustices externally, they were internally battling things they didn’t understand about living in their own skin and often felt lost in the opinions of others.
Recognizing her child’s struggle with gender identity, Caulkins took themto see a therapist and tried to make them feel supported at home by using their preferred names and pronouns, and doing things like getting them a haircut that was gender neutral. However, she said the she couldn’t completely combat the unkind words that, for Graciella-Sawyer, had too much of a lasting impact.
“I touched their hand and I was like, ‘Graciella-Sawyer you are strong you can get through—I love you and we’ll get through this,’ Caulkins said, tearing up. “[Then] they put (them) in an ambulance and (their) heart stopped.”
Leaders at the Wisconsin Department of Public Instruction said Graciella-Sawyer’s story sadly isn’t isolated as suicidal thoughts among teens are the highest they’ve been in almost two decades.
New state data shows suicide numbers are most alarming for students in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community. In 2022, 48% of LGB students seriously considered suicide, and for trans students that rate was 53%, four times higher than their peers.
“I think that’s just one more reason to remember that really every single one of us beyond the family and beyond the school have a role to play,” said DPI Communications Director Abigail Swetz. “To make sure our world is as welcoming as possible for every single youth out there.”
For the agency's part, Swetz said DPI is pushing to bring some unprecedented changes to Wisconsin schools. They’re asking for over $100 million annually to bring at least one mental health staffer to every district in the state.
Still, stories like Graciella-Sawyer’s are why state leaders push everyone to use people’s preferred names and pronouns and recommend intervening when another child displays non-inclusive behavior.
“For the people who are hurting, there is weight,” Caulkins said. “Those voices will play over and over and over and over until those voices become the reality, and we need to stop that.”
Even in death, Graciella-Sawyer continues to care for others by donating their heart, liver and kidneys.
Caulkins said of all the questions that still remain, she has no doubt that's what her child would have wanted.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues or considering suicide, there are resources available to help. Calling 988 nationwide will connect you to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Dane County, Journey Mental Health Center has a 24/7 suicide prevention hotline at 608-280-2600.
Local groups including OutReach Madison and PFLAGhave been established to support members of the LGBTQ+ community
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