Get Madison Magazine delivered to your office or home.
Gift subscriptions now available!Subscribe Now
The turkey is being thawed in the fridge, in prep for further thawing in the sink.
Someone is making or buying a pie. Or multiple pies. Stuffing is being made from any ingredient that happens to be lying around the kitchen counter.
It is the season of harvest and abundance. A time of thanks.
So it makes perfect sense to list those things for which I am NOT thankful for, so that we might better enjoy the things that escape this list. Let us begin.
I am not thankful for Peyton Manning commercials. He was cute three years ago, but now he’s worse than that bad lip sync spot prospecting clients for class action lawyers fighting over the last mesothelioma patient left in America.
I am not grateful for Bill Clinton. He has a tiresome knack for leaving bedlam in his wake and delighting in it. Not grateful for Roger Goodell, Ann Coulter and blaming the media.
Not grateful for a barely relevant Jon Bon Jovi selling barely relevant satellite technology.
Not grateful for cable news channels peddling the same cast of revolving babbling pundits and calling it news. It isn’t. It’s opinion and guessing and oily truthiness. So until you change, call yourselves Opinion Channels.
Not grateful for Apple making big announcements about devices that are not much different than the device that preceded it, all the while claiming in reverent tones that this device is the finest they’ve ever designed, which is stating the obvious unless their intent was to come out with a device that is a giant step backward in their digital engineering.
Not grateful for neighborhood associations that confuse their opinions with elected authority and laws.
Not grateful for hurried interviews with coaches racing to or from a locker room before or after halftime. When was the last time one of those interviews told you something you didn’t know? I’m also not grateful that the networks always relegate female reporters to such a worthless task. Why don’t you have Al Michaels try it once and see how long the practice lasts.
Not grateful for an isthmus that is becoming more and more difficult to navigate by car, with few alternatives beyond Uber.
Not grateful that Uber cars have become more ratty and poorly maintained to the point that they will soon be cabs.
Not grateful that every new movie release is animated or based on a 50-year-old comic book. It’s as if real people no longer exist.
I am not grateful for people driving in the passing lane with no intention of passing. GET OUT OF THE PASSING LANE. PASS AND THEN GET BACK IN THE RIGHT-HAND LANE. DID YOU NOT LISTEN AT ALL IN DRIVER’S ED? GET THE HELL OUT OF THE PASSING LANE!
I am not grateful when weather forecasters treat 4 inches like 40.
Not grateful for beltline and Verona Road construction, which has now lasted longer than the Vietnam War.
I am truly ungrateful for leaf blowers—the worst invention created by modern man. They are a relentlessly noisy reminder of nearby laziness. Please, pick up a freakin’ rake. Leaf blowers don’t even work that well unless you get a gas powered one that straps on your back, which are marginally OK because they at least get the job done quickly, rather than subjecting the world to the endless bray of low-powered, angry blowers that take four hours to clear 3 square feet of lawn that will be covered by leaves three hours hence. Please. Buy a rake. I’m beggin’ ya.
I am not grateful for the presidential options we had.
Embarrassing. We have to do better.
And finally, I am not grateful for the death of facts. In this past campaign season, candidates of all parties, some more than others, were comfortable vomiting outright lies every 10 seconds. Flurries of lies that even the smartest and most well-informed citizens and journalists had a hard time tracking and refuting. Finding truth was like glimpsing the Northern Lights. Rare, but incredibly beautiful.
But the campaign is over now.
For which we can all be thankful.
Enjoy your turkey.