Dear DoubleTake,
I have a really big problem.
I'm a single mother to a special need child. My boyfriend and I had been living together for a year and a half when, because of stress in our individual lives, he moved out. After four months, we've reconciled and he is slowly moving back in.
The problem is that my parents do not care for him at all. They think I can do better.
My daughter adores him and he is wonderful with her. I'm totally in love with him, and when we're together it feels right.
My parents think that he's beneath me since he has only a high school diploma and a criminal record -- from 13 years ago.
He's turned his life completely around and has a good job. He's a good man who made a bad choice a long time ago. They think I never should have taken him back.
Now, they don't want to come visit me if he's going to be around. They live 200 miles from me, and I'm 33 years old. How do I handle them? My mother wants me to get rid of him, but I love him. What do I do?

BETTY SAYS:

It doesn't matter what your parents think. As grandparents, of course your mom and dad are concerned that their grandchild is living with a guy who has a criminal record. But as long as he keeps working and living a straight life, there's nothing but past circumstances your parents can blame for his shortcomings.

Your daughter's security is your priority as a parent. And as the parent of a special needs child, it's even more important to entrust your daughter to someone who knows her well. When the time is right, have a conversation about fatherhood and tell your boyfriend that once the move-in is final, he will become the father figure in your daughter's life again. If he is indeed wonderful with her, this shouldn't be a problem. If his reaction isn't what you expected, it's possible that the overall relationship stress will take its toll.

There's no changing your parents' opinions. You may have to drive 400 miles round-trip for visits if they refuse to come out, but that's how it goes.

From the tone of your letter, it sounds like you may be clinging too tightly. Make sure you both are truly in love and not just infatuated in that reconciliation stage, which sometimes doesn't last.

EDDIE SAYS:

Assuming that you haven't left out major things about your boyfriend -- violence in response to stress, etc. -- and that things are generally good, you have two basic ways to handle your parents.

The first involves having a long talk or writing a letter that basically says, "I know your concern comes out of love for me and your granddaughter, but this decision I made stands, and you need to come around and make the best of it so we can all be a family together."

The other method is to just live your life as if you wrote that letter or had that conversation. If you show resolve about standing up for yourself and your choices and refuse to make it a topic of discussion, your parents will see that they need to just get over it if they want happiness and joy when it's time to visit.

Either way, remember that it's your life and your family to manage. If the guy is good, stick with him and whether your parents ever get on board won't matter that much.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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